Python

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Scientist Dr. Anton Rudolph (Englund) has engineered the perfect killing machine - the world's first massive, genetically enhanced python. Mistakenly unleashed in a small American town, this unstoppable creature with a voracious appetite is raging out of control. As the massive python gobbles up the locals one by one, it's up to Special Agent Parker (Van Dien) to conquer nature's ulitmate terror. If you enjoyed movies like Lake Pl and Anaconda, you'll eat up PYTHON. .com ---- Anaconda had the grace to be campily bad; Python, a rant rip-off, just sucks. A transport carrying a whopper of a snake ces somewhere in the ains near a sweet little town, where two brothers live. One of them is an avid cyclist who's come back after his her's death to help his brother with the family business--a metal-engraving company that, for some reason, has enormous vats of . The snake starts eating people; when their semidigested remains are found, suspicion falls on the cyclist, because only he would have access to the necessary to burn the victims to the in this disgusting manner. (It's a particularly tacky detail that a lesbian couple are the first victims of the enormous, phallic snake.) Anyhow, some special unit of the government comes in, including our supposed stars Casper Van Dien (with a cheesy mustache and a cheesier accent) and Robert Englund (of Nightmare on Elm Street fame). In various incomprehensible action sequences, they prove to be incompetent, and it's only our stalwart bicyclist and a sturdy young deputy who save the day. Python is terribly written, terribly acted, and terribly directed and features mediocre special effects (the snake is never the same size from scene to scene). Jenny McCarthy has a cameo, for those who care about such things. --Bret Fetzer