It's Not You, It's Him: The Zero-Tolerance Approach to Dating

Originally found this at the library years ago, read it, loved it, changed my life after and abusive relationship. Was excited to find it here for my high school daughter who is just beginning her dating life.Helped me know my worth, my voice & my how to ask for what I deserve.

Contradictory advice with unsubstantiated claims. Read Get the Guy, instead.

She's right. The title says the whole thing. Unfortunately, this isn't going to get you a man. This may or may not be a bad thing.Look -- and I say this as a veteran of marriage and short and long-term relationships, also as a mother whose view of taking care of nominal adults is now decidedly jaundiced -- men, on the whole, are not made so well and make themselves crazier than women do. You know how sperm behave? All that crazy racing around for one thing, anything for the win, and then they disintegrate if they don't make it? That's men. And I don't care what kind of nice grad-school feminist line they may talk; they still have trouble with the proposition that we're people too. So when they finally get around to noticing us, what they want is still a sexpot who'll be nice. Nice nice nice. A nice, sweet, ego-reflating, wound-binding, sexy sweetheart nurse who'll smooth the way, take care of all unpleasant chores, etc. Also you should not compete with him and make him feel bad, and by "compete" I mean "breathe". Because it's all a competition for the guys, no matter how tofu-eating your man is. You know that line "He who dies with the most toys wins"? They mean it. And if they don't mean it at 25, they find that at 40, as the testosterone ebbs, it's sprouted within anyway. Along with a real yen for kink, because they just don't get it up like they used to and they're dying to feel it like they did. So -- where they were once just endlessly grateful to get laid -- they now expect you to do all kinds of complicated gadgets-and-fantasies sex with orifices you didn't even know existed, and if you're not thrilled by this they save face by deciding you're a prude (as opposed to recognizing that you're having the best sex of your life because you're female and you've hit middle age, and you don't need the desperationware).If you love being a sweetie-pie, if taking care of your man and peace at home is your main thing, if you have no major desires beyond a loving home, you're in. You've got it. Be yourself, some man will spot and win you, and you should go take care of that man and help him stick electrodes on his balls or whatever and be happy.If want a relationship with another grownup who doesn't require that kind of constant care and coaxing, who doesn't require hero treatment for doing the kind of mundane and necessary things women do all the freaking time...you know what, these are few and far between, among men. So yes, know that it's not you, it's him. Also know that you may well wait a long, long time before you meet a fella you would actually want to be with, who appreciates that caregiving and childrearing are serious work, who does his share of the work without being managed, who doesn't expect you to pull him out of his moods all the time, who won't fall into sulks because you're happy/successful/orgasmic/whatever, and who doesn't blame you for his own problems.The thing is, in the end, you have to feel for them. I don't understand the success craziness, but it hits them awfully hard. They get front-loaded with king-of-the-world hormones, and then in midlife it all seeps away, and nothing is like it used to be, and they're worried. I mean it's all in Arthur Miller, but they have to live it, and they can't even pretend we need them desperately in order to live, like the guys could in Miller's day. It seems to be a visceral thing, too, it doesn't matter how bright or sensible they are or anything. So it's very tough. Still, in the end, if you're not so much into taking care of other grownups, you might consider getting a dog for while you wait. And a nice vibrator. And this book, which will remind you that it is indeed him, not you.

I tend to dislike books in the "self improvement" genre, but this one is a true gem.Like many women, I always ask myself what I've done "wrong" when a relationship doesn't go the way I want...meanwhile I see men whose relationships have failed jump right back in the saddle without a moment of self doubt! I've had more than one person tell me I'm "too nice." Meanwhile, I see so-called "difficult," "demanding" women get the guy!This book doesn't tell you to be difficult or demanding. The point is to BE YOURSELF. If you try to please others, you are acting in response to a projection of what you think the other person wants. Not only are you likely to be wrong about what the other person is looking for, but you aren't going to be very happy in the process, are you? The other person will sense that you aren't feeling happy or being genuine, and this will cause them to lose interest.In order to find the guy who is right for YOU, you have to believe that you are lovable and stop questioning yourself. Look at HIS behavior objectively and critically...to see if HE is right for YOU. This will keep you from falling for the wrong guys.This advice, presented in a really straightforward and sensible way, matches what a lot of what men have told me...namely that confidence is the most attractive quality a woman can have. The difference between those "difficult" women who get the guy and yours truly? They are being genuine and true to themselves; they feel that they are lovable, flaws and all. No one is perfect, but if you believe you are valuable and worthwhile, you are more likely to find someone else who will feel that way too. This holds true even if you're "picky," "selfish" or whatever people say is the reason you haven't found The One.I had a hard time getting over my recent relationship. By asking "what instead of why," as this author advises, I was able to see his behavior clearly. He canceled dates at the last minute (showing disrespect for my time); he flirted with other women in front of me. Does it matter *why* he did these things? Did I elicit this behavior somehow? No. His behavior told me all that I need to know about him. This book helped me clarify for myself what I want in a relationship, and it certainly isn't someone who makes me feel insecure around other women or who disappoints me at the last minute.I am really happy I came upon this book. In a genre full of overwrought, gimmicky advice, this book offers true wisdom, especially for women who are "too nice" and are eager to please others. I'm excited to read other titles by this author.

This book says "look for someone you're wild about"..."zero in on that person" (or words to that effect).That's extremely oversimplified, dangerous advice and does NOT take into account other factors, such as compatible temperaments, that lead to successful marriages.There are better books out there on this subject; the field is wide. At the top of my list is Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships